Things not to say, with Christie Craig

Of the Divorced, Desperate and Delicious club, Kathy Callahan is the last surviving member. Oh, her two friends haven’t died or anything. They just gave up their vows of chastity. They went for hot sex with hot cops and happy second marriages—something Kathy can never consider, given her past. Yet there’s always her plumber, Stan Bradley. He seems honest, hardworking…and skilled with a tool.

PLUMB CRAZY

Kathy’s best-laid plans are about to hit a clog. The guy snaking her drain isn’t what he seems. He’s handier with a pistol than a pipe wrench, and she’s about to see more action than Jason Statham. The next forty-eight hours promise hot pursuit, hotter passion and a super perky pug. And at the end of this wild escapade, Kathy and her own undercover lawman will be flush with happiness . . .  assuming they both survive.

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There’s a question I’ve been asked by several readers:  Is there anything your heroines won’t say? Now, I think most of my readers mean that my heroines are a tad outspoken, but in a good way.  At least I like to think that’s what they mean.  Nevertheless, the question deserves answering.  And the answer is a definite yes.  There are things a Christie Craig (CC) romance heroine would never say.  Here is a list of ten and for kicks I’m even going to tell you why they’d never say them.

“Hey, Mr. Hot-Stuff, are you looking for a doormat?  If so, I’m your girl.”

Now my heroines appreciate a hunk, they even like the slightly macho types.  But guys, don’t even think about leaving any footprints here.  CC heroines own their own can of whoop-ass and they don’t hesitate to open it when needed.  My gals are never doormats.

“Say what?  You don’t want to wear a condom?  Oh, that’s just dandy, I’m sure the 45 seconds of “not-quite” pleasure I’ll get from you is going to be worth raising your child alone and dealing with any STD you might be sharing.”

Okay, my heroines might say this, but it’s gonna be said in complete sarcasm and right before that can of whoop-ass comes out, because they know that any man who wouldn’t be eager to protect them, isn’t their hero.

“The shit has just hit the fan! Well, I guess it’s over now.”

A huge requirement for a CC heroine is to know how to wear a pair of rubber gloves and use a can of Lysol to remove any flying crap, because nothing, nothing gets in the way of my heroine’s goal.  Sure she might have a weak moment, but if she needs that fan to blow, it’s gonna blow and if she doesn’t know how to take care of crap, she learns the moment that brown stuff hits the blades.

“You want me to do what?  Kick my cat to the street because you don’t like him and he doesn’t like you?  Well, you betcha, just let me lure him out the door with his catnip.”

Before I sign up a hero or heroine to work in a book, my cats and turtles have to give them the thumbs up.  Any one, fictional or real, who can mistreat an animal is one step below the stuff that grows in public toilets.

“Don’t worry, I’m sure my sister lied when she said you copped a feel and suggested you two bump uglies.  She’s no better than the tramp neighbor that lured you into checking her for ticks that time I walked in on you two.”

Now, most of my heroines know the bitter taste of betrayal from a man.  They’ve been cheated on and done wrong, but they are not stupid.  They know when it walks like a chicken, squawks like chicken, it’s time to ring its ever loving neck, remove its innards, and cook it until it doesn’t bleed anymore.

“Listen here, Mister, if you want to have some of this fine body and perfection, you’ll toe the line, do what I say, and consider yourself lucky.”

While my heroines eventually earn their sense of self-confidence, but no heroine of mine thinks she’s “all-that.” Women who think they walk on water, generally end up swimming with the sharks in a septic tank.  Plus, perfection is downright boring.  Give me a character who hates something about her body, who wishes her cup or pants size were a bit different, and you’ve given me someone I can relate to.

“You don’t like my hair, the cup equivalent of my girls, or my pants size?  Don’t worry, that’s nothing that a trip to the saloon, a visit to the plastic surgeon, and a starvation diet can’t handle.  Because while I love you just like you are, I completely understand that I need to change.”

While my heroines might want to change something about themselves, deep down they know that a man has to love them for themselves.  If he wants Barbie in his bed, she’ll give him the one her brother microwaved with his popcorn when she was twelve.

“It’s okay if you continue to miss the spot, I’ll just practice faking it so I won’t hurt your ego.  We all know sex is really all for men anyway.”

My heroines want, need and love a man’s touch.  Ahh, but it has to be that special man.  And if he needs directions, she’ll tattoo them on his ‘gear shift’ if she has to, but she’d done faking happiness and playing pretend.

“Would you please show me the place I’m supposed to throw in the towel, because my stud muffin just walked out of me, and I’m nothing without him.”

CC heroines really love their men.  But even the dark moments I’m required to write at the end of my books (My editor forces me to write them.) these women know that they and they alone are responsible for their own happiness.  Even when they’re certain that their man is gone, they pull their big girl panties up, strap their bras on the last hook, and keep going, because giving up isn’t an option.

“If it doesn’t come easy, it obviously doesn’t have my name on it.  Because I only do easy.”

Romance heroines in general learn something that all of us need to know.  Happily ever afters don’t come easy.  My heroines are forced to defend themselves with singing fish, toilet tank lids, and tampons.  They fight when they have to, they admit their mistakes when they’re wrong, and they forgive those deserving forgiveness.  When these girls walk into the sunsets, they’ve earned it.

So there you have it.  Ten things my romance heroines would never say and the reasons why.  You guys are obviously romance readers, so today what I’d like to hear from you is what you think you’d never hear a romance heroine say.  And I’m giving away a copy of Divorced, Desperate and Deceived, to one lucky commenter.  So make sure you post.

And I hope you all enjoy my crazy, quirky, outspoken stories.  I hope they make you laugh, make you sigh, and make you want to reach out and love someone.  If today’s post entertained you might want to be on the outlook for my June release, a humorous, relationship self-help non-fiction book, Wild, Wicked and Wanton: 101 Ways To love Like You Are in A Romance Novel, co-author with Faye Hughes.  And thank you Fatin for inviting me here today.

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Thank you for visiting with us today, Ms Craig!